This post is raw. This post is real. This is where I am right now.
Deep Waters & Deep Presence
The past few weeks have been very different for Dan and me. So much is seemingly suspended in mid air!
I feel like a bar graph.
A very FULL bar graph! Waiting, waiting, sensing the acceleration of His plan like massive jet engines, yet still gathering speed. Kinda like a kid in a candy shop window- seeing all the goodies but the store owner just “aint” turned the key yet!
There are so many areas of our lives right now that are in process, you know, unfinished. Not unstable; just not completed. Never in our life together have my husband and I been on the verge of so many major life moves. Add to them family concerns like wishing, wanting and trying to figure out how to spend more time with those not living nearby. Add to that several major life decisions that we are still discerning the best choices and God’s leading. If I try to “manage” them, it is a daunting and discouraging task. We are definitely out in deeper waters and the dog-paddling of years past is NOT working! We are learning to float. To lean. To let our feet fail.
Each time one of those issues pops into my mind, I have to take a few minutes to “be still” for it to get in alignment. Then another pops up–> “Breathe, thank the Lord, breathe deeply, Be Still.”
Just about the time they all are at the same level of stillness, one rebels! LOL! It tries to sneak up- to get the upper hand on my heart’s graph and rise to the top! My hand is not big enough, not strong enough to balance each of these at the same time!
Practicing the Presence is a discipline. It is NOT easy. But after a while, it becomes more natural. Oh how I wish it would become automatic, but the Lord did not design us to be that way. He created a void, a need, a desire for time with Him; to be “mind-full” of Him, His willingness, His ability, His love for us. He has hands big enough to handle all of our graphs!
This week I have renewed awe of Him; of His meticulous, magnificent and practical wisdom! I have also become more aware that He is moving me, us (as a couple) out into the deepest places in Him that we have ever been, and I will be honest, it is VERY unfamiliar and unnerving territory!
I remember my family vacations to Myrtle Beach as a child. I loved the view. 😉 I could sit and sketch the landscape, the people all day! But… my Mom is a bonafide -freakin’ fish!!! She LOVES the waves! She taught us girls how to use a boogie board. She body surfed those crashers and laughed about it! (Still was doing that in her early 70’s!) I did ok. I felt so triumphant when I actually caught a wave and rode all the way to shore! But she would urge me to go out deeper.
She knew that the bigger waves, the greater victories come from being out in the deep, and knowing the perfect timing to ride the crest of each wave.
Oh how I wanted to be just like her in that! But like the main character in Hind’s Feet on High Places, I was VeryMuchAfraid. [: /
So I stayed where my feet could still touch bottom most of the time and caught fewer waves and had less celebrations. I didn’t like losing control to a wave and being tumbled under the water. I complained about the taste of salt water, the sand in my pants. I made excuses not to go out deeper.
My Dad is a “landlubber” you know, steak and potatoes kinda guy. He likes his feet on the ground. He maps his course, scales out the distances, calculates the process and plots a path. He stands firm in what he knows to be truth. He is our family’s rock. And he doesn’t like ocean waves either! Ha ha!
Now I know that time is short and life is unpredictable. Life must be lived! In my 50 years of humanness, I have enough regrets, wishes for “do-overs”. I have a list of things to DO-to BE. Instead of putting them in a bucket, I am casting them out onto the water- out into the deep. This is gonna cost me. It is going to scare me. It will challenge the foundation of who I think I am. It will definitely sort out the precious from the worthless. I lay the list bare here, because you can’t ride the waves wearing a bunch of layers!
* I want to overcome my trauma from a mountain’s edge car accident. I want to travel through high places again without fear.
*I want to go out to the places where others won’t go- to the uttermost parts of the earth.
*I want to live with abandon pursuing my King.
*I want my kids to know that it is OK to make mistakes and take a tumble now and then.
*I want to fulfill every last detail of God’s plan for my life with a pure heart.
*I want to paint what is on the Father’s heart in a much more profound way than in years past
*I want to “run with the horses“ with Dan at 70 and govern like Kings at 80.
*I want a deep relationship with my daughter-in-law and grandson.
*I want to see more layers removed so less of me is seen and God’s glory is revealed.
*I want my feet to fail.
This song has been playing in my soul for the past few weeks:
It is o.k. that I am cautious like my Dad. I am adventurous like Mom too. But finding the balance of the two is my quest for the next 40 years.
I want to take those strengths and follow the Father and ride the waves of His Spirit!
I want every victory He has in store for me, no matter the cost. I have weighed the cost and find that it is too expensive to stay in shallow waters. So I am paddling out into the deep. Learning to float- to rest in Him as He navigates the course.
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I created this poem back in 2003. I finally have decided to fully live it now.